oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
