she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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