Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
