It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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