Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
