It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
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He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
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I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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