Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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