every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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