I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
