He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
