Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
