It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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