So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I think im going to throw up on grandma
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
