I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
