and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
