New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize