dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
