and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
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I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
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Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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