he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
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College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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