he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
