Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
