i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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