I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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