i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
