i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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