i jhust puked up my retainher.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
I told him it was alright.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
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its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
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He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process