I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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