hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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