I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
