life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
