corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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