i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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