I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
