Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
