i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Someone signed my nipple.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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