I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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