i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
