My sheets look like a crime scene.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
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I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
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YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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