genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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