On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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