As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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