yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
