five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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