i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
