my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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