Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
