I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Randomize
