once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
