Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
