I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
