I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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