every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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